James Satchy, Family Life Educator, shares how parents can set boundaries with their children.
Does the word “Boundaries” generate positive or negative pictures in your mind when you hear it?
Boundaries are often misconstrued as “strict rules”, with some restrict of freedom. To some, it is a box or prison cell. However, these are false notions created by ineffective boundary setting experiences. Though boundaries place limits on a person, their goal is to provide security for the child and parent, develop the child’s ability to make wise choices and develop self-discipline. As the child grows, the boundaries are widened, until they can set their own limits.
An interesting experiment was conducted by Stanford University in the 60’s. Researchers placed a child or two in a room and gave them a marshmallow each. A simple boundary was set, “You can choose to eat the marshmallow or wait until I return. If you wait, you will have another one.” The teacher left and returned 20 minutes later to see the result. Researchers followed the progress of each child into adolescence, and demonstrated that those with the ability to wait were better adjusted and more dependable (determined via surveys of their parents and teachers), and scored an average of 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. Watch a more recent experiment tried out by another group.
So if young children are taught self-discipline at a young age, it will help them in the long run. How do they learn self-discipline? Through simple boundary setting.
What are boundaries? In relation to the parent-child relationship, one definition is: “Boundaries are spoken or unspoken rules, agreements or expectations”. They are like an invisible line drawn to inform the child what he can do and what he cannot. Too often we tell children -“Don’t do this or don’t do that” - but like giving a coin with one side, it is incomplete and useless. Children must be empowered to know what they can do too. For example, “You can go out, but return by 7pm”, “You can own a mobile phone when you are 15 years old” and “You can eat the food in the fridge but leave your brother’s portion”. As parents, we need to be masters at boundary setting because a large portion of parenting deals with discipline; and a large portion of discipline is boundary setting.
Boundaries may either be ineffective or effective. Effective boundaries are clearly articulated and the child knows exactly what he is allowed to do, what not to do, and the consequences of disobeying. Effective boundaries are firm enough to create stability and flexible enough to accommodate growth. Setting effective boundaries grow responsible, competent children.
Setting ineffective boundaries grow children who are insecure, unconfident or manipulative. Ineffective boundaries are vague. For example, “Girl, don’t watch too much TV”, “Boy, don’t come back too late”, “You must limit your play time and study harder” and “Don’t party too much”. These boundaries do not produce the desired behaviour. If you tell your child not to watch too much television, she is unsure what you mean, so she does what she thinks is reasonable. After 4 hours of television, you reprimand her for not listening. Well, she did and her interpretation was different. You could have meant not more than 1 hour. Her interpretation could be “until I’m tired”. Hence, the presumed “rebellion”. The mother should have given a specific time and attach it to the expectation. For example, “Girl, you can watch television from 6 to 7pm”. The boundary would be clear and the girl would know immediately if she has crossed it.
To find out more about how to set effective boundaries, stay tuned for Part 2 on my eight practical suggestions for parents. ntil I’m tired”. Hence, the presumed “rebellion”. The mother should have given a specific time and attach it to the expectation. For example, “Girl, you can watch television from 6 to 7pm”. The boundary would be clear and the girl would know immediately if she has crossed it.
To find out more about how to set effective boundaries, stay tuned for Part 2 on my eight practical suggestions for parents.
The above article was first published on 10 July 2015 in https://schoolbag.sg/story/drawing-boundaries-part-one#.Vcnouvmqqko
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