In part 1, Family Life Educator James Satchy shared the importance of setting effective boundaries. In this article, he shares eight practical ways that parents can try out.
1. Be SPECIFIC when crafting a rule or agreement
If children are unclear about the boundary line, it creates instability. They may suspect they are doing wrong, but are uncertain. Thus, they are more likely to cross the boundary and see what happens. This causes the parent to see red!
2. Be REASONABLE and HEAR them.
Is the child able to obey this rule realistically? For example, a mother was constantly arguing with her 17-year old son over his computer usage hours. She insisted that he limit to one hour daily, but the boy continued to play up to three hours a day. I asked why he could not keep to his mom’s expectations. His reply was simple, “Mr James, it is a team game. It takes one and a half hours to complete. If I back out after one hour, my friends will not invite me to play anymore. What do you expect me to do?” The one-hour rule was not reasonable to this teenager. One and a half hours would have been a better boundary for him. The son would need to exercise self-discipline in ending after the first game, but at least he would not think his mother is being unreasonable or unfair.
3. INVOLVE them and NEGOTIATE more as they grow older
As your child grows older, you may want to involve them in the decision making process. This gives them ownership of the rule or agreement and they are more likely to keep it. Involvement may require negotiation till both parties come to an agreement. Harshness, accusations and temper tantrums need not be part of the negotiation.
Using the example above, the mother and the 17-year old boy might have come to an agreement of one and a half hours on weekdays and three hours on weekends. The boy would be more likely to obey because he was part of formulating that agreement. If we want our children to be motivated to keep an agreement, they must feel they had a part to play.
4. Use the term “AGREEMENTS” more than “rules”
“Agreement” implies that other parties have a responsibility to fulfil. Teach your child that he has a responsibility to keep to the agreement and you have a responsibility to enforce the consequences. However, some are non-negotiable, so help them understand the rationale and make it a rule! Your child has to obey rules too, even if they do not agree. Help them to understand that they need to respect authority.
5. REMIND your child/teen of the agreement when necessary
Reminders will help your child know that he has a responsibility. You are teaching a life principle: Whatever you agree on, deliver! Your word is your bond!
Notice I said “remind”, not “nag”. Nagging is like dripping water from a tap when you are about to sleep. It is irritating! You feel like switching it off. Reminders are a simple, straightforward check. Use a questioning technique. For example, “Girl, what was our agreement? What time did we agree that you would come back?” A question will prompt the child or teen to think and respond. You are educating her to make a decision based on the value of integrity. She will grow up imbedding that principle in her heart.
I also use a “5-minute warning” with my children. If I want them to switch off the television, come to the dinner table, take a bath or study, I prepare them for it by asking what time they plan to do these activities, five minutes before it is time. This gives them time to tie up loose ends. If I predict they are unlikely to keep to their commitment, I add a reminder of the agreement and the consequences.
6. Think about the CONSEQUENCE
Are the consequences helpful in bringing about internal change? Observe if your child or teen is keeping to the agreement. If not, evaluate if it is fair. If you discover that they are blatantly disobeying or do not have the willpower to keep to it, talk to them about what would happen if they disobey. Consequences should be logical and realistic.
For example, if your child has agreed to watch television for not more than 30 minutes but watches for an hour, you have a few options:
(a) Allow him to continue watching
(b) Shout at him and command him to switch it off
(c) Snatch the remote control and forcefully switch it off
(d) Cane him or punish him by putting him in the corner
(e) Bribe him with ice-cream if he switches off the television
(f) Talk gently and reason with him
(g) Remind him of the agreement
(h) Remove privileges
Consider: Which will bring him closer to an internal value change? What are the long-term effects of your choice?
I would choose option G or H. Removing privileges teaches your child the life principle of choices and consequences. Since he chose to continue watching television for more than 30 minutes, you may take away his privilege of watching television the next day or for two days, depending on the agreement you had with him.
However, for an older teenager, option G may be a better choice as it focuses on helping them to make a choice based on a value of keeping to one’s word.
7. AGREE ON A CONSEQUENCE before the violation
Consequences should not be enacted on the spur of the moment, but agreed upon before the violation. The teaching point and longer-term effect should be carefully considered. In setting boundaries, fairness is key. If the child or teen perceives it is fair, they may not be happy but they will learn to accept and respect the enforcer.
8. ENFORCE THE CONSEQUENCES consistently
Failing to follow through will result in losing your child’s respect. He will also learn that he can get away with not honouring agreements. Is there room for flexibility? Yes, if the context is reasonable. Your child will appreciate it but it should not be done all the time as it will defeat the purpose of boundary setting. If you are constantly adjusting a certain boundary, then it needs to be revised. A new agreement may need to be formed because your child has grown and circumstances have changed.
As your child grows, you will notice that relationships and values will outweigh rules. Your child will obey because they respect you or think that it is important. The boundaries we set are not for our convenience, but should help our children to grow into socially responsible adults. By setting effective boundaries, you are setting your child up for success.
Author’s note: The article is influenced by my experiences with my children, my work among families in Singapore as well as the following Psychologists and Authors:
Dr Thomas L. Sexton & Kames F. Alexander – Functional Family Therapy
Dr Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell – Parenting your Adult Child
Dr William & Martha Sears – The Discipline Book
Dr Kevin Leman – Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours
Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend - Boundaries with Kids
Dr Daniel Goleman – Emotional Intelligence
The above article was first published on 22 July 2015 in https://schoolbag.sg/story/drawing-boundaries-part-two#.Vcnp9fmqqko
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