Drawing Boundaries (Part 2)

In part 1, Family Life Educator James Satchy shared the importance of setting effective boundaries. In this article, he shares eight practical ways that parents can try out.

1. Be SPECIFIC when crafting a rule or agreement

If children are unclear about the boundary line, it creates instability. They may suspect they are doing wrong, but are uncertain. Thus, they are more likely to cross the boundary and see what happens. This causes the parent to see red!

2. Be REASONABLE and HEAR them.

Is the child able to obey this rule realistically? For example, a mother was constantly arguing with her 17-year old son over his computer usage hours. She insisted that he limit to one hour daily, but the boy continued to play up to three hours a day. I asked why he could not keep to his mom’s expectations. His reply was simple, “Mr James, it is a team game. It takes one and a half hours to complete. If I back out after one hour, my friends will not invite me to play anymore. What do you expect me to do?” The one-hour rule was not reasonable to this teenager. One and a half hours would have been a better boundary for him. The son would need to exercise self-discipline in ending after the first game, but at least he would not think his mother is being unreasonable or unfair. 

3. INVOLVE them and NEGOTIATE more as they grow older

As your child grows older, you may want to involve them in the decision making process. This gives them ownership of the rule or agreement and they are more likely to keep it. Involvement may require negotiation till both parties come to an agreement. Harshness, accusations and temper tantrums need not be part of the negotiation.

Using the example above,  the mother and the 17-year old boy might have come to an agreement of one and a half hours on weekdays and three hours on weekends. The boy would be more likely to obey because he was part of formulating that agreement. If we want our children to be motivated to keep an agreement, they must feel they had a part to play.

 4. Use the term “AGREEMENTS” more than “rules”

“Agreement” implies that other parties have a responsibility to fulfil. Teach your child that he has a responsibility to keep to the agreement and you have a responsibility to enforce the consequences. However, some are non-negotiable, so help them understand the rationale and make it a rule! Your child has to obey rules too, even if they do not agree. Help them to understand that they need to respect authority.

5. REMIND your child/teen of the agreement when necessary

Reminders will help your child know that he has a responsibility. You are teaching a life principle: Whatever you agree on, deliver! Your word is your bond!

Notice I said “remind”, not “nag”. Nagging is like dripping water from a tap when you are about to sleep. It is irritating! You feel like switching it off. Reminders are a simple, straightforward check. Use a questioning technique. For example, “Girl, what was our agreement? What time did we agree that you would come back?” A question will prompt the child or teen to think and respond. You are educating her to make a decision based on the value of integrity. She will grow up imbedding that principle in her heart.

I also use a “5-minute warning” with my children. If I want them to switch off the television, come to the dinner table, take a bath or study, I prepare them for it by asking what time they plan to do these activities, five minutes before it is time. This gives them time to tie up loose ends. If I predict they are unlikely to keep to their commitment, I add a reminder of the agreement and the consequences.

6. Think about the CONSEQUENCE

Are the consequences helpful in bringing about internal change? Observe if your child or teen is keeping to the agreement. If not, evaluate if it is fair. If you discover that they are blatantly disobeying or do not have the willpower to keep to it, talk to them about what would happen if they disobey. Consequences should be logical and realistic.

For example, if your child has agreed to watch television for not more than 30 minutes but watches for an hour, you have a few options:

(a) Allow him to continue watching

(b) Shout at him and command him to switch it off 

(c) Snatch the remote control and forcefully switch it off

(d) Cane him or punish him by putting him in the corner

(e) Bribe him with ice-cream if he switches off the television

(f) Talk gently and reason with him

(g) Remind him of the agreement

(h) Remove privileges

Consider: Which will bring him closer to an internal value change? What are the long-term effects of your choice?

I would choose option G or H. Removing privileges teaches your child the life principle of choices and consequences. Since he chose to continue watching television for more than 30 minutes, you may take away his privilege of watching television the next day or for two days, depending on the agreement you had with him.

However, for an older teenager, option G may be a better choice as it focuses on helping them to make a choice based on a value of keeping to one’s word.

7. AGREE ON A CONSEQUENCE before the violation

Consequences should not be enacted on the spur of the moment, but agreed upon before the violation. The teaching point and longer-term effect should be carefully considered. In setting boundaries, fairness is key. If the child or teen perceives it is fair, they may not be happy but they will learn to accept and respect the enforcer.

8. ENFORCE THE CONSEQUENCES consistently

Failing to follow through will result in losing your child’s respect. He will also learn that he can get away with not honouring agreements. Is there room for flexibility? Yes, if the context is reasonable. Your child will appreciate it but it should not be done all the time as it will defeat the purpose of boundary setting. If you are constantly adjusting a certain boundary, then it needs to be revised. A new agreement may need to be formed because your child has grown and circumstances have changed.  

As your child grows, you will notice that relationships and values will outweigh rules. Your child will obey because they respect you or think that it is important. The boundaries we set are not for our convenience, but should help our children to grow into socially responsible adults. By setting effective boundaries, you are setting your child up for success.  

Author’s note: The article is influenced by my experiences with my children, my work among families in Singapore as well as the following Psychologists and Authors:

Dr Thomas L. Sexton & Kames F. Alexander – Functional Family Therapy

Dr Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell – Parenting your Adult Child

Dr William & Martha Sears – The Discipline Book

Dr Kevin Leman – Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend - Boundaries with Kids

Dr Daniel Goleman – Emotional Intelligence

The above article was first published on 22 July  2015 in https://schoolbag.sg/story/drawing-boundaries-part-two#.Vcnp9fmqqko

Drawing Boundaries (Part 1)

James Satchy, Family Life Educator, shares how parents can set boundaries with their children.

Does the word “Boundaries” generate positive or negative pictures in your mind when you hear it?

Boundaries are often misconstrued as “strict rules”, with some restrict of freedom. To some, it is a box or prison cell. However, these are false notions created by ineffective boundary setting experiences. Though boundaries place limits on a person, their goal is to provide security for the child and parent, develop the child’s ability to make wise choices and develop self-discipline. As the child grows, the boundaries are widened, until they can set their own limits.

An interesting experiment was conducted by Stanford University in the 60’s. Researchers placed a child or two in a room and gave them a marshmallow each. A simple boundary was set, “You can choose to eat the marshmallow or wait until I return. If you wait, you will have another one.” The teacher left and returned 20 minutes later to see the result. Researchers followed the progress of each child into adolescence, and demonstrated that those with the ability to wait were better adjusted and more dependable (determined via surveys of their parents and teachers), and scored an average of 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. Watch a more recent experiment tried out by another group.

So if young children are taught self-discipline at a young age, it will help them in the long run. How do they learn self-discipline? Through simple boundary setting.

What are boundaries? In relation to the parent-child relationship, one definition is: “Boundaries are spoken or unspoken rules, agreements or expectations”.  They are like an invisible line drawn to inform the child what he can do and what he cannot. Too often we tell children -“Don’t do this or don’t do that” - but like giving a coin with one side, it is incomplete and useless. Children must be empowered to know what they can do too. For example, “You can go out, but return by 7pm”, “You can own a mobile phone when you are 15 years old” and “You can eat the food in the fridge but leave your brother’s portion”.  As parents, we need to be masters at boundary setting because a large portion of parenting deals with discipline; and a large portion of discipline is boundary setting.

Boundaries may either be ineffective or effective. Effective boundaries are clearly articulated and the child knows exactly what he is allowed to do, what not to do, and the consequences of disobeying. Effective boundaries are firm enough to create stability and flexible enough to accommodate growth. Setting effective boundaries grow responsible, competent children.

Setting ineffective boundaries grow children who are insecure, unconfident or manipulative.  Ineffective boundaries are vague. For example, “Girl, don’t watch too much TV”, “Boy, don’t come back too late”, “You must limit your play time and study harder” and “Don’t party too much”. These boundaries do not produce the desired behaviour. If you tell your child not to watch too much television, she is unsure what you mean, so she does what she thinks is reasonable. After 4 hours of television, you reprimand her for not listening. Well, she did and her interpretation was different. You could have meant not more than 1 hour. Her interpretation could be “until I’m tired”. Hence, the presumed “rebellion”. The mother should have given a specific time and attach it to the expectation. For example, “Girl, you can watch television from 6 to 7pm”. The boundary would be clear and the girl would know immediately if she has crossed it.

To find out more about how to set effective boundaries, stay tuned for Part 2 on my eight practical suggestions for parents.  ntil I’m tired”. Hence, the presumed “rebellion”. The mother should have given a specific time and attach it to the expectation. For example, “Girl, you can watch television from 6 to 7pm”. The boundary would be clear and the girl would know immediately if she has crossed it.

To find out more about how to set effective boundaries, stay tuned for Part 2 on my eight practical suggestions for parents.

The above article was first published on 10 July  2015 in https://schoolbag.sg/story/drawing-boundaries-part-one#.Vcnouvmqqko

FamilyMatters@School - August Programme

Common Sense Parenting - A Proven Approach Developed By Boystown USA to Raise Our Children In A Responsible Behaviour - will have its run at SACPS this August.

Conducted by Morning Star Community Services, this proven and certified workshop has helped  hundreds of parents in Singapore to walk the talk in raising responsible children. 

Held over three Saturdays in August - 15, 22 and 29 August 2015 - each 4-hour session from 8.30am to 12.30pm, parents will discover and practice a practical approach and method to managing behaviours and guiding children in the choices that they make.

Copy of the flyer can be found here.

Parents interested to attend this series of three workshops, please return completed reply slips and payment ($10/pax or $15/couple) to the School's General Office by Friday 31 July 2015.

Are You A Saviour Mum or Dad?

Retired Principal, Mrs Jenny Yeo, shares how parenting can affect a child’s development.

This article appeared in the print edition of The Straits Times on July 13, 2015

I vividly recall a day when a tropical thunderstorm was in full force. I was in the school’s General Office when I saw a frazzled lady, with hair plastered to her face and soaked to her skin, standing at the reception counter. Mrs Tan, the mother of Sean, had braved the raging winds and rain to bring her son’s spelling exercise book to school because she was worried that he would be scolded by his teacher.

Mrs Tan’s actions remind me of a “saviour mum” in action, channelling all her energy to protect her child from punishment and defend and fight her child’s “battles” in school, even if he is in the wrong. The typical “saviour parents” often try to “save” their child by doing things for them and going out of their way to clear the obstacles even before the child encounters them. Without a doubt, while their actions stem from love and care, it does have a negative impact on the child. The next time Sean forgets to bring something, he is likely to expect his mother to deliver it. If Mrs Tan continues to “save” her son, Sean will not learn about ownership and responsibility, important values that he will need as he grows up.  

Dr Josephine Kim, a lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, shared about this at a Parent Seminar, Helping Children Flourish - Growth in Resilience, Empathy and Hope. Dr Kim had met a child who painted herself without arms and legs. The child said that she did not need them as her mum did everything for her. Dr Kim highlighted that by “saving” our children from doing things, we are essentially removing their arm and legs!

As parents, we often have the impulse to dive in and save our child when we think he might get into trouble. We need to take a step back and ask, “Is my intervention necessary? Would it help him grow? Does it help in building his confidence and self-esteem? Or would my actions incapacitate my child?”

When I first met Tim in Primary One, he was climbing the stairs extremely slowly while his grandmother watched from far and shouted, “Be careful! Be careful!” Tim was surrounded by overprotective caregivers, so he did not believe in his own ability. This affected his school and working life. He could not cope with situations and suffered from depression. 

Hence, it is important to recognise that by allowing children to experience life, it presents them with opportunities to learn and manage the bumps and knocks which helps in character development.

I met Benjamin when he was in Primary One. Each time he had to change after Physical Education lessons, he would ask me to help button his shirt and tie his shoelaces. When I asked him to try, he looked at me helplessly and said he did not know how. His classmates called him a baby. He even paid them twenty cents to tie his shoelaces when they came off! I taught him and within a week, Benjamin could do it on his own. He felt really good about it! 

I strongly believe that allowing our children to face consequences builds their resilience. When my son was nine, he was made to stand outside the classroom for disrupting the lesson when he burst out laughing at a joke cracked by his friend. He protested and felt that it was unfair because if his friend had not cracked the joke, he would not have laughed. When I asked if he was still angry with his friend or teacher, to my surprise, he said, “It's okay, Mum. I was 'out-standing' today!” The minute he joked about his punishment, I knew he was able to cope with admonishment.

As parents, we help our children if we allow them to fight battles and resolve conflicts. For example, during project or group work, they may encounter disagreements. Imagine if a parent of a student decides to confront the group and tell them what to do. The parent would be depriving the child of the chance to learn about teamwork, negotiation and respect for different viewpoints, which are essential social skills required in society and the workplace.

So, my advice to doting parents is this: Hug and kiss your child to show your love, be mindful not to overprotect but assure them of your support, let them grow and help them become confident about their abilities. We should “save” their self-worth and confidence by helping them become resilient and able to work well with others, which will go a long way.

Jenny Yeo was a principal for 18 years in Kheng Cheng School, Radin Mas Primary School and South View Primary School. She is a lead associate focusing on partnerships and engagement in the engagement and research division of the Ministry of Education.

Our Catholic Light - A SG50 Special

Our Catholic Light is a film that tells the story of how missionaries such as the Paris Foreign Missions brought the Light of Christ to Singapore, to serve the needs to the people through the Catholic Church.

Since 1821, the Church has played a pivotal role in Singapore’s nation building through its work in education, healthcare, and social services, serving people regardless of religion, race or language.

The story is told through the lives and personal testimonies of 25 priests, religious, church workers and volunteers.

More than a thousand man hours of work (research, pre-production, production and post production) went into the making of this film and it premiered at the Catholic SG50 celebration event held at the Singapore Indoor Stadium on the 4th of July 2015 to an audience of 10,000 people.

A production by PixelMusica.com

Partnering Teachers: Doing It The Right Way

“Your presence in school should be seen as a support. People should sense your genuine care for your child, other schoolmates and staff,” says Miss Leong Sou Cheng, an educator at an international school.

Miss Leong Sou Cheng, an educator at an international school, suggests how parents can support their child’s schools.

“Being involved in the school has given me a better insight into the school’s culture and policies, which some parents may not be as familiar with. It has also given me the opportunity to interact with school leaders, teachers, other staff and parents. I’ve also gained a better appreciation of teachers, their roles, difficulties and dedication to duty. My involvement in the school has certainly helped me to develop a better working relationship with them.”

Mdm Kannagi Ibrahim, Then-Chairman of Evergreen Primary School’s Parent Support Group

The squeaking wheel gets the oil; there is more than a ring of truth to this proverb. When it comes to parent-teacher partnership, your goal however, is not just to make your presence felt, but leave the right presence.

Parent-teacher collaboration is not about “kiasu” parents barging into the school office and making demands. Armed with the information they need, they march in with a very specific aim, usually result-oriented, and will not back down until the school gives in to their requests.

Needless to say, after one storm of an incident, the parent may leave quite an impression; the entire school may possibly know this parent and the child by name. Any mention of the name will cause a teacher pay double the attention and check doubly hard on matters concerning the child. A teacher attends to between 200 - 300 students each week, and in an average class of 30 – 40 students, it may seem like not bad idea to leave such an impression. At least the child is getting the attention. You only had to do it once and you would leave an ineffaceable impression. The trouble is, however, that the reputation sticks.

Will your child really benefit from your actions? I think that children will benefit tremendously from the way their parents model positive interactions with others in the school, and from the positive connections they make along the way to support their children’s educational experience.

Your presence in school should be seen as a support. People should sense your genuine care for your child, other schoolmates and staff, such as when you help out at school events and socialise comfortably with others. For example, I heard that parents of Westview Primary School supported a sandwich-making event held at school; children learned how to make sandwiches, and also witnessed how their parents reached out to support other children. Parents of Tampines Primary School provide a reading support programme to help small groups of readers develop literacy skills.

Aside from putting in time and effort, relationship building is probably one of the most vital and difficult skills to master. So I was heartened to hear about parents sharing their experiences and good practices with one another at a Parent Support Group (PSG) Conference. Parents can also participate in initiatives organised by PSGs and access resources shared on the MOE Facebook page and Schoolbag.sg, to understand more about effective partnership.

We are all different, and the dynamics of all partnerships will be different too. But with the same goal, and the right attitude, parents and teachers can close the gap and become strong partners in education. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.

The above article was first published on 15 May 2015 in  https://schoolbag.sg/story/partnering-teachers-doing-it-the-right-way

Pick Your Battles

“An education revolution can only happen if all stakeholders are involved,” says Miss Leong Sou Cheng, an educator at an international school.

Miss Leong Sou Cheng, an educator at an international school, shares from her experiences, how parents can help teachers build confidence.

Teachers, regardless of their experience, are defined by their attitudes which shape the way they teach in the classrooms. It is flawed and highly unfair to regard beginning teachers who are inexperienced as incompetent. Beginning teachers are not bad teachers; in fact, they are often positive, energetic, excited about their students, willing to learn and very inspiring. Parents tend to be skeptical about beginning teachers; they feel that the teachers are incompetent because of their lack of experience, but overlook other qualities that outshine experienced teachers who may sometimes feel jaded, unmotivated, and stuck in a rut. Consider their choice of teaching as a profession; they have a big heart for children, and they find the classroom a thrilling place to be. They have a classroom full of children, and every parent expects just as much as you.

Beginning teachers learn a lot from their mentors and colleagues, and they can also be nurtured to become better. Education concerns itself with developing people, and it is not just students we are interested in developing. As advocated by the Reggio Emilia philosophy of an interdependent relationship shared by children, parents, and teachers, the performance of a teacher can be greatly enhanced by the efforts of a parent. We all like a pat on our shoulders; just imagine how much motivation you would give, simply by complimenting a teacher on his or her influence on your child. There are many teachers who would bend over backwards for your child. When you meet one, be sure to applaud the teacher in person or even let the principal know.

There is something about parents that intimidate teachers, and set off alarm bells. It took me about five years to be comfortable around parents, and proactively reach out to them. . Fresh out of teachers’ college, and with no children of my own, I felt inadequate and out of place to be telling parents what they should do. Beginning teachers are not sure what to expect and may feel uncomfortable in such unfamiliar situations, especially in cases where multiple adults are pushing the blame and trying to gain dominance. With practice, and the right attitude of teacher-parent partnership, meetings would be less awkward and superficial. The goal of the partnership is to establish positive contact, and help each other support your child in school. It is not to absolve responsibility, or to win for the sake of pride.

The truth is, the relationship between parents and teachers is fragile and at times, can be difficult to manage; some teachers welcome dialogue with parents, others choose to avoid it because they feel threatened, which may stem from an understandable cause of concern. In general, teachers may choose to hide behind the stacks of worksheets, and avoid any real interaction with parents. Parents too, may not come their way. They would operate in peace, as long as nothing disrupts the delicate equilibrium. The lack of honest and genuine communication and the distance between parent and teacher is troubling as it is a potential breeding ground for hostility. Imagine the possible opportunities to team up that would be lost.

What you do as a parent can inspire tremendous confidence in teachers. It is a two-way traffic. Be sincere about your feelings so that teachers can be too. An education revolution can only happen if all stakeholders are involved. As a parent, you can take the lead, and start making the connection.

Do not be too hard on beginning teachers!

The above article was first published on 8 May 2015 in

https://schoolbag.sg/story/pick-your-battles

Heart to Heart Talk

Heart to Heart Talk (HTHT) features students having a frank chat about the future with their parents, mentors, and industry professionals.

Learn about how each of them discovered their interests and strengths, and how they hope to reach their career aspirations.

Episode 1 features primary school kids and their parents having a delightful, and sometimes surprising, chat about their aspirations. One of them hopes to be a teacher – but you’d never guess why!

Watch Episode 1 here.

In Episode 2, secondary school students talk with their parents about what they want to do in the future. Do these parents know their children as well as they think they do? Can they see eye to eye about what it means to succeed in life?

Watch Episode 2 here.

If you could meet your future self, what would you ask? In Episode 3, students meet up with professionals from the industries they hope to join in the near future, and get the lowdown on what the working world is really like.

Watch Episode 3 here. 

It can be scary trying to figure out what to do after secondary school. In Episode 4, Benjamin talks to 4 students who met mentors along the way – people who didn’t always know the right answers, but who knew the right questions to ask.

Watch Episode 4 here.

While having a mentor helped our 4 students see the path ahead, they have to walk the journey for themselves. In Episode 5, Benjamin finds out more about where they’re headed and the roadblocks they’ve faced along the way. Is there such a thing as “having it all figured out”?

Watch Episode 5 here.

En route, Onward

We’ve all had to make difficult choices in our lives. It’s not easy to figure out which education or career path to go on – and sometimes, even harder to convince our loved ones that we’ve made the right decision.

“En Route, Onward”, a 4-episode documentary series, tells the real-life stories of four remarkable individuals and their journey to success, defined in their own terms. 

Watch Episode 1 here.

Watch Episode 2 here.

Watch Episode 3 here.

Watch Episode 4 here.

FamilyMatters@School - May Programme 2

P4-P6 Daddies, come join our May FamilyMatters@School Programme where you will experience a unique opportunity to revisit some of the games of yesteryears for you to open up the channel to share your stories with your daughter.

"Dads and Daughters Connect Through Games of Yesteryears" will be held on Saturday 23 May 2015 @ SACPS from 9am to 1pm.

Fee is $10/pair which includes all material as well as refreshment and strictly for one father and one daughter.

Places only available for 20 pairs - registration is on a first come first serve basis.

Hurry and send in your reply slip and cash payment to the school's General Office.

Closing date - 6 May 2015 or when places have been filled.

Copy of the flyer is here.